Secret
by soozeh
Summary: McShep Slash. Rodney wants John to understand him but he soon finds himself questioning his own feelings on the matter.


John/Rodney Slash Pairing. Some sexual innuendo.

**Secret**

'Please John, don't make this any harder than it already is.' Rodney said as he faced the window, his back turned towards John, 'Just leave.'

'Rodney what the hell has gotten into you?' He asked, infuriated.

'We can't go on like this John.' He said, as he turned, arms clenched tightly around his chest. John moved forward and Rodney stepped back. John looked hurt and moved over to the bed and sat down.

'What have I done?'

'You have done nothing John; it's my entire fault. I should have never kissed you that night. We should never have done what did…' His eyes pleaded with John to leave and make this easy for him.

'Don't tell me that it's your fault. What's wrong? And don't say nothing, because if nothing was wrong then you wouldn't be standing here, asking me to leave.' He stated.

'It's for the best.'

'For the best? You and me, us, that's for the best.' John stood and moved closer to him but he swatted him away. John sighed.

'You remember Reynolds?'

'Yeah, we went to his retirement party last time we went back to Earth; but what has this got to do with us?' John asked.

'He gave everything to the Air Force, risked his life, spent months on missions, months that he could have spent at home. But they found out the truth and gave him to option to retire, rather than face prison charges.'

'Prison charges?'

'He has a lover, John. The government didn't have any proof, just the implications that he was going home to a man.'

'So why are you telling me? We have to be more careful, is that it?' John asked.

'It has to stop. We have to stop. I don't want you to have to give up your career. One that you worked so hard for. The government would crucify you, given the chance and you know that. They think that gay men don't make good soldiers, but look at you. You are the best soldier I have ever been graced with serving with. I'm not military, I know that, but you… you protect your own, hold your own. And… and I couldn't live with myself if I knew that you'd have to give up everything because of me.' Tears welled up in his eyes, but he would not let them fall.

'If I had to choose between you and the Air Force, I'd choose you over anything, what don't you understand about that?'

Rodney blinked and looked at John. 'Sure, you'd give it up, but what happens, three, four months after, when you begin to resent me, 'cause you miss this. You'll miss the life.'

'A life without you is worthless. I'd rather have you than have this.' He motioned to the sidearm fixed around his leg.

'Don't try to make it better. Just go.'

John moved forward to pull him into a hug but Rodney pulled away and wrapped his arms tighter around his chest.

'John, you know the regulations.'

'I do, and I knew them when you kissed me. I knew them when I kissed you back.'

'You'd miss this, I know you would.'

'Sure I would and yes I'd be angry, but not with you. I'd be angry with them. They would have been the ones that would have taken my career away. You would have done nothing, just loved me. Who the hell can tell me who I can love, what's the difference between loving a man and loving a woman?'

'But-'

'Just let me talk. I'm not going to get up and abandon you just because the Air Force says that loving you isn't right. Isn't ethical. Isn't what they want. I don't give a damn about what they think. I care what you think. Do you want me?'

'Of course I do.'

'Well then Rodney, that's all that matters.'

John walked over to Rodney and stood in front of him.

'You really would give up your life on Atlantis for me?'

'As long as you are there when I come home I'd give up anything for you.'

Rodney smiled and moved forward, but he suddenly jerked back. 'No… No… John, don't manipulate me like that. I would never let you choose. Just leave now, before I have to throw you out.'

'Throw me out?' John mocked.

'What?'

'I doubt you could throw me out.'

'John don't do this.' He waved his hands around frantically in front of him. 'This whole… stubbornness.'

'Rodney. I love you, you love me, what's wrong it that. Two consensual adults in a committed loving relationship…'

'John.' Rodney's voice softened and he took a step towards the window. 'If you can't except the fact that I want this relationship over then that's your problem but I want to, I need to move on and it would help if you could too. Now these are my living quarters and I should be throwing you out but I can't stand arguing with you so I'm just gonna go ahead and leave and when I get back, which should be in about an hour. I do not want to find you here…'

Rodney picked up his laptop and a book and left his quarters. John turned towards the balcony and a stray tear slowly slid down his left cheek and he kicked the wall in frustration.

-----------------

Rodney paced the halls of Atlantis in search of something to do, anything to do. He didn't want to see John at the moment. He wished that John would back down and stop being so obstinate, but he knew that they would most likely never happen. John was stuck in his ways and his ways were usually the right ways and if John said that he loved him, he loved him and Rodney knew that. He smiled as he walked into the familiar laboratory and sat down in front of one of the empty desks. He switched on his laptop and entered his pass code.

He looked at the blank screen for a few moments, lost in thought. He sighed as he closed the laptop and exited the laboratory.

He walked down corridors and through rooms, going nowhere in particular. He didn't know where to go or what to do. He found himself in the armoury and the familiar sound of gunshots flooded his ears. He slowly moved towards the noise and saw John firing at a target. He entered the room and walked over to John.

'John.'

'You found me.'

'I wasn't looking I just found myself walking here.'

'Well what do you want McKay?'

Rodney winced; the last time John had called him by his surname was the night they first kissed. Ever since then he had always been Rodney.

'Are we still friends?' Rodney asked.

'Well that's for you to decide, I stopped being your friend when I kissed you and we became more than just friends and now you want us to go back to being friends? I don't know whether that is something I am ready to do yet.'

'John.'

'Can you blame me? I turn up and you tell me that its over and all I get is that you don't want to jeopardize my career. And I told you that I didn't care as long as I had you but no, you still wanted us over and so there you have it. We're over. Finished. Happy now?' John snapped as he loaded his gun and emptied his round at the target 30 feet in front of him.

'I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry that I care about what happens to you I'm sorry that I want you do well in life. Have a good career. Get somewhere. I'm sorry that you ever met me. I'm sorry.' His voice quietened to almost a whisper. 'I'm sorry.'

Rodney began to leave the room but John held up a hand.

'Wait.'

Rodney turned to face him, arms crossed.

'I never told you what I should have told you, that what really got me through each day was knowing that I'd be sleeping next to you that night, knowing that I had a reason to wake up the next morning. I'm not sure if this even makes a difference anymore but I at least wanted you to know that.'

Rodney blinked at John who smiled that smile that always made Rodney's legs go weak and his heart miss a beat, the smile that was reserved only for him.

John slowly walked towards Rodney and his arms engulfed him into a fierce embrace. Neither participant wanting to or willing to, let go.

'I love you so much John.' Rodney mumbled into John's shoulder.

'I love you too.' He replied and they gripped each other tighter. 'And are you still angry at me Rodney?'

'I think I've got past that and I'm sorry for trying to leave you.'

'Don't mention it… ever.'

Rodney chuckled and the pair withdrew from each other's arms and leant against the wall.

'So what we going to do about this? Us?' Rodney asked.

'The only thing we can. We keep it a secret.'

-FIN-

R&R as always x


End file.
